Christmas – Grief Anxiety

So the anxiety that is Christmas is building. Before my brother died I loved Christmas so much. Our parents never really celebrated the season that much – we had a lovely time but my Mum was in business and all focus was on that. So as an adult I just love celebrating – the run up, the festive markets, the shopping, the tableware, the tree and the food. Before he died I think he felt that each Christmas may just be his last. We went to his house where he had a record player and a wardrobe full of crazy outfits (he was flamboyant, a showman). My children loved him so much – they would ‘dress up’ and dance around the living room – twirling and laughing. He had the biggest smile and the most memorable laugh.

So now Christmas is bittersweet. Spoilt forever maybe?

I have his collection of amazing baubles – each novelty, unique, glass character makes me smile and also feel a little sick at the same time. As I’m hanging the yellow glass duck, the glittery frog and the bright pink watermelon on my tree I have to steal myself from crying. I take long breaths to get through it. Everyone uploading their happy tree photos and every time I look at mine it is joy and pain intertwined.

On the way home last night my daughter and I listened to Boney M’s Mary’s Boy Child. We moved our shoulders to the Reggae beats and my daughter said “oh Uncle Ed would have loved this song”. Yes, I thought to myself – he would.

So should I put his baubles away? Turn his favourite song off the radio? Stop myself from feeling the horrific feelings? I’ve read so much about how you need to feel grief. Lean into it. Don’t fight it. But in reality to do that is just too painful. So sometimes I do walk away and change the channel and sometimes I let it in for a while. And I know, for my children, I have to keep finding hope and joy so we can carry on his traditions, the music, the dancing and the fun.

6 responses to “Christmas – Grief Anxiety”

  1. Poignant narrative. Regardless of the situation, the way out, as you have rightly pointed out, is to fully immerse in the moment of celebratory events coming our way. There is a reason for those occasional happy times. Where there is grief, there is also redemption. Best wishes…

    Liked by 2 people

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